Out of Control by Norma Fox Mazer

Author:Norma Fox Mazer
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media

17

Valerie presses herself against a dark wall as they march toward her: a row of huge fish glittering a sinister gold-green and walking malevolently on their tails. Their bodies are separated into three defined sections, and each section on each fish clinks and bends as they come closer. Their smell is unbearable.

She comes awake with a gasp.

She sits up in bed, then falls back against the pillow and looks around her room—tells herself that it is her room, that she is here, she is safe. And, resolutely, no matter that it’s not light yet and her eyes ache, she tells herself she will get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed, and make coffee for her father.

She will do things. She will not let herself sink.

But she doesn’t move.

Little drafts of cool air sweep over her. Her father always sets the thermostat down at night. He says it’s wasteful to heat a house full of sleeping and warmly covered human beings. He is concerned about saving energy. He says, If we squander everything now, what will the next generations have?

Up until this very day, she believed—because he did—that the world was good, that all she had to do was be herself and never hurt anybody, and everything would be, if not perfect, if not wonderful at all moments, at least very, very good.

If she’s not going to get up, she should try to sleep. She should stop thinking. Last night she lay awake for hours, her brain flashing image after image, like a crazed TV. At moments she couldn’t breathe. Her throat closed, she sucked in shivery, desperate gulps of air.

And now it happens to her again.

Is this a panic attack?

STOP! The word appears like a red sign in her mind. She wraps her arms tightly around herself, hugs herself into a semblance of composure.

She hasn’t yet told her father what happened. Will she? She wants to, but what good would it do? What difference would it make? Isn’t she strong enough to hold this inside herself? Why must he be disillusioned and full of sorrow, because something ugly happened to her?

He probably wouldn’t even understand. He would say, “Well, why did they do it?” He thinks there is a reason for everything. He believes that the world is a bright and special place. He believes people are good. When she thinks of that now, it is extraordinary. All the years he has lived and not found out how wrong he is! It’s amazing. It’s enough to make you cry.

She presses her hands against her eyes. No tears. She will not allow it. She doesn’t dare. If she lets herself go, she’s afraid that everything she is keeping so tightly bound inside will burst forth, a torrent that will wash her away and drown her father.

No, she is not going to tell him what happened.

Let him go on sleeping his peaceful, absurd sleep.

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